De Strongest Woman today Part 1 👠

To wrap up 2024, I just have a few things to say: 

Time moves so fast, right? I can feel it. Can't believe 7 days more left, i will officially turn into 25 years old. Next year already 26y/o yet not official yet but when people ask my age, i will be saying 26. I am getting older yar yet still a young, single, independent woman. Wow, Do u know how does it feel when i can say i am an independent woman now? My past love reject me and hurt me with zero feeling because I wasn't independent. He was having fun hurting me, feeling nothing. To be the woman i am today is not easy. I have faced so many battles over the years. I guess almost 8 years 2017 - 2024 but the worst i can say is 5 years, from 2019 to 2024. Yeah including this year. Nobody can be like me. Honestly, i am very surprised how i can still breathing until today. Funny but all i hope is that nobody ever faces the same thing that happened to me. Do you wanna know what i meant? 

I dare to reveal a few things here that i’ve never talked to anyone even to my closet friend, the only one who was by my side all these years when i was half dying. I believe God sent her for me to be by my side in this battle. She said she is the lucky one to have a friend like me but honestly, i’m glad she was part of my life. 

A little about me: I’ve thrown and left many friends when i was growing up, from childhood onwards. I used to have this mindset that all Indians were malevolent back in my school days. Sorry to say, even though i’m also an Indian girl but i can now say i was wrong. Things changed after my SPM. I can say it really depends on who you talk to and what kind of people you mingle with. My hatred back then was actually insane and honestly people were really scared of me cause i was kinda short-tempered person even my friends were scared of me haha. It’s funny when i think about it. I was a strict elder sister too when my younger siblings were growing up yet i do have a heart to care and love my siblings most days and also my friends. I love being with my gang. My friends back in school were Malays, Chinese, and Chindians. I don't like to talk or even communicate with Indians. I was that bad. I used to tell everyone that i don't speak and understand Tamil and people would really believe it because of my background originally Sikh, my mum is Bengali. But actually, i can speak and understand Tamil too because of my pa. He spoke Tamil to us. At that time, my mindset was so strong because i do caught Indian classmates talking bad about me in Tamil while i was right in front of them. I pretended like i don't understand. I was so chill and acted like i felt nothing. Guess what? I felt like i was living in a safe zone. It’s better to not understand and see their true colors than understand Tamil language being their friend and hear them talking behind your back. I don't waste time. This was me. I never had an Indian friend until i met this young lady who is now my only best and closest buddy. I met her in high school, but i can’t remember how i ended up talking to her. She was so innocent and i was the only one who understood her when nobody liked her. We weren’t in the same class but she sometimes came to my class and spent a few hours with us during breaks or class relief. But my friends would usually chase her out and find her annoying. When I saw my friends do that, I would immediately leave my class and hug her from behind. From that moment, we became close. Our most beautiful memory was every time school finished. She will be inside the school bus at the bus stop looking outside the mirror and i will be standing at the bus stop showing her communication signals while i waiting for my pa. We communicate through gestures haha but she was scared of me too before especially when there was one time i scolded her but i can’t remember why, she cried yar for not talking to her haha. But we always cherished our moments in school until Form 2. Such a good time.

Then one day, I remember in September 2012, she had to leave school and transfer to another school due to family issues. Suddenly, she told me she was leaving, and I was sad and numb. On her last day, I promised her that one day I would find her wherever she was. I told her to remember my face. That was the last day I hugged her. A few days later in school, while I was with my friends, a young girl approached me and said she was her younger sister. I was puzzled, and she gave me a letter. My friend was the first daughter and had responsibilities to take care of her family at that time so her situation was rough. As time went by through help of her younger sister, we continued sending letters haha. Her sister became our "pos laju." We always wrote letters to each other because I didn’t have a mobile phone at the time. My parents were strict. Only public booths and letters jak. Zaman lama bro. This was our life but we rarely sent letters because her younger sister didn’t travel much to her hometown. Only sometimes she go back to her hometown and pass my letters to her. We were more romantic than real couples out there haha but this is our friendship story. 

After two years passed, I finished my SPM in 2016 and went to college then i've decided to look for her. I searched everywhere but couldn’t find her. That time pulak, her sister suddenly wasn’t in school either. I had no idea what to do, but I didn’t give up until one day I finally found her Instagram with help of my friend. I was happy but at the same time in my heart I was thinking, should I text her or not? It had already been two years and maybe she had changed. People do change, I know yet i dared to text her calling her name. Not going to lie, I cried the moment when she replied back, "Julieen?" Amen. I found my long-lost friend. From that moment, we always kept in touch. Thankfully i ady had the freedom to have my own mobile phone. We talked a lot damn like most days. People in my college always thought I was talking to boyfriend or something but nah, I was talking to her, my friend that i loved with all my heart. I promised to return back and here i am. Almost every day, we talked on the phone and texted at night. We missed each other damn a lot. I always laughed like crazy after found her. 2020 was the time when we finally met each other and hangout for the first time. Guess what, we cried a lot. We hugged and she suddenly kissed me on my cheek yar haha. I know she loves me too, and we are not lesbians ya mind you! Since that day, we always hang out and spend hours together until today from morning until 8:30 am to 5:00 pm most days but we still feel like we don’t have enough time. People on my Instagram know our story. Hopefully, we’ll get a chance to stay together in a rented apartment or go on a short trip one day. I will be happy if this happens. 

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Today at the end of 2024, I just want to reveal the real things that happened to me that made me the strongest woman I am today. Honestly, I’ve never been jealous of any woman up until today because I know I am so perfect and beautiful. I’m confident enough to say that and I don’t like anyone trying to be me. Me is me, nobody else. If someone tries to be me, I will definitely take her as a competitor and hate her forever for real. I really don’t like. I am Julieen and I am like this so this is only me, not even my siblings would I allow to be like me haha even from the clothes i wore, i don't like to share. That’s just my character. I always want de best for myself. Everything, from the things I wear, to the things I like to do, my career, my dreams everything I want it is to be the best. Even if it’s not perfect, I’ll be happy as long as it’s the best for me but things happened in my life that I wasn’t expecting. Totally from what i want it into something that i don't want it to happened to me. Maybe I was too good? Let me list the flow of what happened to me from 2017 to 2024 which is until last month November.

2017

• I sacrificed my dream and career path for my parents.
• I tore up my offer letter from MSU for a diploma and STPM to SMK Puteri Jaya.
• I went to a place i never wanted to go to continue my studies in a diploma but in a different career path.

2018 - 2019

• Fell in love but was hated by the man I loved.
• Failed in each semester, subjects, and continuously had to repeat papers.
• Held back shame sitting with juniors classes for repeating papers and the entire subject.
• Tired because of extra classes.
• Lost interest and started hating everything I did.
• Saw and endured the man I loved being with someone else.
• Parents started scolding me for repeating papers.
• Anemic, high motion sickness, and weak.
• Cried after every repeat exam and hated myself.
• Went to the top floor of the college but didn’t dare to jump so I went back to class like nothing happened.
• Begged my parents to let me stop my studies.
• Purposely failed my exams to stop the studies that i hated.
• Slept at the back of the college library and in the ladies' toilet crying silently.
• Lost my appetite.
• Was expelled from the diploma course.
• The college principal told my pa that I have no future and was the most stupidiest student in the college.
• My pa didn’t talk to me and hated me while I tried to explain to him but his voices scares me.
• Saw the man i loved the most with someone else forever.
• My pa was mad at me and even used the "rotan" on me, kicked me hard when I fell down, and slapped me hard.
• My parents scolded me every day and every morning including my pa poured ice water on me from a bucket when i was still sleeping after long day crying.
• Sat in the darkness of my room on my birthday in 2019, crying and sleeping under my bed.

2020

• Begged my parents to let me continue studying.
• My pa told infront of everyone that he hated me the most among my other siblings and that he didn’t like me at all.
• He used the "rotan" on me again (Leg and Hand) for things I didn’t do.
• My dad lied and said he didn’t force me into the diploma but that i was the one who wanted it.
• Continued my studies in a course i loved.
• My elder sister started to hate me because of rumors from people in my college. All i wanted was to protect her, but she misunderstood my intentions and hated me.
• Hated God and stopped praying.
• My siblings started to hate me including my mum.
• Cried and slept under the bed.
• Saw the man I loved happy with someone else through social media.
• My first younger sister and elder sister talked about the things the man i loved did with someone else to shut me up every night, knowing it could hurt me, and they were having fun. My own blood hated me and i was so broken for what my sister did. All i do was listening and crying under my blanket, covering my whole body.
• Started screaming every night at home.
• My parents forced me to delete my Instagram and TikTok but i didn't so i was called rude.
• Sat alone in class and became very introverted.

2021

• Continued study for my degree.
• Parents pressured and blackmailed me would stop my studies if i didn’t listen to them at home.
• Screamed every night.
• Parents called my lecturer and texted to check if I was at college or not, and the lecturer thought I was a problematic student.
• College didn't let me for any position because of my parents keep on pressuring lecturer on times and every activities durations.
• My dad scolded and slapped me for things I didn’t do.
• My dad laughed at me for what my college principal had said about me in 2019, repeating those words to me over and over.
• Almost committed suicide and cut my veins with a sharp knife on my hand to scare both my parents, but got scared of losing my life and asked my younger sister to help clean the blood when it started flowing non-stop.
• Home became hell.
• Siblings fought when I was alone, fighting for myself.

2022

• Got infected with COVID and suffered alone but my mum came to take care of me when nobody else would.
• My pa and I were the only family members who got infected and pa blamed me for causing him to get infected.
• After recovering from COVID and facing the family for the first time after quarantine, my dad said I had shamed the family by telling people that I had COVID.
• Prioritized skincare and body care.
• Siblings fought again, and I fought alone for myself for 3 hours non-stop arguments.
• Parents shouted at me for staying up late at night doing assignments and had to delay work cause of forced to pack things and sleep.
• Took 5 Panadol tablets a day until i suffered from a migraine attack.
• Slept under the bed and screamed at night because of the pain.
• Prayed to seek help to take my life.

2023

• Opened Twitter for news and songs but got hurt seeing the man I loved in my past happily hurting and writing things I didn’t want to hear.
• My past love became the crulest man to me and i was crying and screaming every night holding my heart.
• Kept getting hurt by what i saw and read.
• Held my chest overnight because of sudden heart attack-like feelings sometimes.
• Had an accident and broke my right arm.
• Felt broken into pieces and everything seemed like the end of my life.
• Prayed and begged every night to God.
• My siblings didn’t respect me and threw bad words at me.
• My mom yelled at me every night.
• My elder sister’s anger grew even stronger.
• My pa started telling my cousin I was a kid and useless whenever we visited the family side.
• Slept under the bed every night.
• Rise up again to change my life.
• Prioritized my life and my health.
• Took care of my body.

2024

• Went to a psychiatrist to check my mental health.
• Ended my degree.
• Had an accident but survived.
• My dad believed and blamed me for stealing his RM400 without proof, just because I had been at home for 6 months. I swear I never did that but he didn’t believe me. He was in a mood to criticize harshly but thank god it didn't happen.
• My pa called me useless and pressured me to find a job even though i was still trying that time.
• Spent 6 months sleeping and skipping meals until i suffered gastric issues.
• Danced while crying every night.
• Prioritized my body and skincare.
• Screamed every night, both under the bed and in the hall.

I know everything here is so sensitive, but I have walked through this darkness until i became who i am today. Only i know, How many times i have screamed cause of the pain and cried hard while begging to end this things. There are a few more things but I don’t want to reveal them. This is the truth of what happened to me. That’s why I said I was so strong and alone. You definitely can’t survive if this happened to you. I swear, you can’t!

I haven't done writing yet.

To be continued Part 2…..