My Past love experience 🩶

Taking a deep breathe first before start my writing, it's not easy for me to write this but I have decided to write this cause this might be the last time i talk about my past love experience. It's not an easy task for me to write this, but I have made the decision to do so, as this might be the final time I discuss my past experiences with love. Whenever I reflect upon it, I find myself delving into profound feelings of heartbreak and sadness that I once endured. However, I do not wish to relive those emotions in the present, as I have already embraced a fresh start and strive for a better life.

My first experience with love dates back to when I was 11 years old, in standard 5. It happened with a Malay boy who also happened to be my best friend. Despite his chubby appearance, he was quite handsome at the time. I remember hearing from a friend that many girls had a crush on him in school, but the mere mention of it made me feel nauseated. His name was Muhammad Nor Effendi, although I can't recall his full name beyond "bin" (his father's name). He used to be my father's student, and we were the same age.

Initially, when I saw him, I had the inclination to bully him because he often acted like a know-it-all during my father's tuition classes. However, whenever we were together, we would engage in debates and constantly challenge each other to prove ourselves right. We frequently had arguments, particularly about our thoughts and calculations on various subjects, although most of the time, my answers turned out to be correct. I must admit that I excelled in mathematics and had a sharp mind for it. He would often become jealous of my abilities, and our disagreements would often escalate into fights over a question. You wouldn't believe it, but there was one instance where we fought so fiercely that we ended up pulling each other's hair, all because we couldn't agree on the solution to a math problem. Our argument caused quite a commotion in the tuition class. Eventually, it turned out that both of our answers were wrong when my dad checked them. It became a statement within the tuition class that we couldn't sit together because we would only end up fighting and resorting to violence. However, my dad deliberately let us sit next to each other because he enjoyed witnessing our rivalry and eagerness to outshine one another. Sometimes, I would choose to silently move and sit with another friend, as I didn't always enjoy being seated next to him.

As time passed, he stopped arguing with me, leaving me wondering what had changed. I even asked my friends if they noticed anything strange about his behavior. One of my female friends, who was in the same class and school as Effendi, became my go-to person for information about him (we were the same age). He started acting strangely towards me. I distinctly remember him becoming very supportive and mostly agreeing with my answers. A few days later, I had to cut my hair very short because I was going to be the flower girl at my cousin's wedding, and I had a cute fringe above my eyes. When I returned to tuition class with my new haircut, he smiled and kept telling everyone how cute I looked. My female friend immediately told me that his behavior was out of the ordinary, as she had never seen him behave like that in school. These were some of the memories we had before things took a different turn between us.

There was a time when everyone was engrossed in playing games in another room, and I was sitting alone, diligently working on my 100 math calculations that my father had assigned to all of us. He came and sat beside me, asking for my help in understanding the problems. I didn't know that this moment would give me a shocking insight into his true feelings. I was teaching him when suddenly he said:

"Aku suka kau"

The moment I heard it but I started to pretend like I didn't hear the words from him. Then I confidently spoke to him 

Hei apa? mengelamun, cinta sape ko? [ Immediately left the room]

At that moment, I finally understood the reason behind his sudden change in behavior. The next day, I pretended to not feel well and asked my dad for permission to rest in my room. And then, he did something unexpected. He started writing me letters and had my friend pass them to me. I can't recall the exact contents of those letters, but I remember that he poured his heart out in them. After deciding to return to tuition, he mustered the courage to talk to me directly and confessed his feelings. I wasn't sure when his feelings for me began, but his sincerity at that moment made me decide to accept him (even though we were both still immature). 

For almost a year, we enjoyed each other's company and created beautiful memories together. As time went on, I found myself truly falling in love with him. However, I told him that we should keep our relationship a secret and not tell anyone. What we shared during our time in love was unique. we refrained from physical touch, knowing that I was sensitive to it and disliked physical contact with others. Even when he expressed his desire to hold my hand, I made it clear that I wasn't ready for it yet. He respected my decision, and instead, we continued to exchange heartfelt letters. It's funny to think about it now, but those letters were filled with declarations of love, although I can't recall the specifics. We always made sure to end our letters with a big "I love you" written at the bottom. We even discussed our plans to get married after completing the SPM exams and attending the same secondary school. I studied at SK Cochrane Jalan Shahbandar and intended to continue at SMK Cochrane Jalan Shahbandar. During our tuition sessions, even though we sat beside each other, we refrained from any physical intimacy or engaging in any crazy actions. Our focus was solely on studying and excelling academically.

And then, one day, our secret relationship was exposed when my third sister caught us passing letters and immediately informed my father. My sister played the role of a villain in that situation. Upon being caught, my father became furious and even slapped me, which frightened Effendi. The following day, Effendi didn't show up for tuition. I cried and searched for him for almost three days, but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, my father took me to a restaurant and broke the news that Effendi had stopped attending tuition. The frustration and heartbreak I felt at that moment were overwhelming. I was deeply disappointed in him. It took me nearly seven months to finally stop thinking about him. I was convinced he would never return, so I developed a strong aversion towards boys and made a conscious decision not to get involved with anyone romantically. I continued my studies at SMK Cochrane Jalan Shahbandar, but upon learning that Effendi was planning to attend the same secondary school, I requested my father to transfer me to another school. I simply didn't want to see him anymore. I spent two months at SMK Cochrane before transferring to an all-girls school, SMK Convent Jalan Peel. From that moment onward, I made a deliberate effort to move on and completely forget about the feelings I once had for him. It was as if I had wiped him from my memory entirely. I dedicated myself fully to my studies, focusing 100% on my secondary school education.

This is was my first love story, until then I had never been in relationship with anyone for 6 years!

I successfully completed my SPM with satisfying results, and I had worked incredibly hard to achieve them. I made my teachers and parents immensely proud of me. I had a dream, a vision that I was determined to pursue. However, after graduating from SPM, I had to make a difficult decision. Instead of pursuing STPM as initially planned, I had to go for a diploma due to some personal reason. It was a course that wasn't my first choice, and I had to let go of my original dream and embrace a new one. Unfortunately, this new path ended up being challenging and painful. I found myself feeling lost and unhappy, and little did I know that this period of my life would turn out to be one of the most tragic experiences I would face.

After like six freakin' years, my church friend benjamin decides to pop the question. Honestly, I'm not into him at all. We're just friends. I've turned him down multiple times, but the guy just won't give up. He loves playing basketball and he's some kind of also a player. Whenever he gets near me, I start plotting my escape. My friends telling me to give him a chance to love him, try get relationship with him but I was stick with my decision and i dont care about him at all. I don't have any feelings for this dude. It's annoying as hell when my friends tease us, and he even goes and gives me a stupid ring as some sort of love gesture. It was so annoying! But to be nice, I hang onto the damn ring. He's always tries to hold my hand and get touchy-feely, but I'm always on high alert when he's around. I'll literally walk away or pretend to get a call just to put some distance between us. Can't do much else since I don't feel a thing for him. There was this one time when I couldn't take it anymore, so I straight up told him I'm not into it. Boy, he was mad! But honestly, I dont care aboutbit. The next day, he acts all normal with me, and I'm just left speechless. Dude tries to show he cares, but it's like water off a duck's back. It just doesn't work on me, man.

Let me spill some tea about myself, okay? I ain't an easy person to fall in love with, seriously. I mean, I don't wanna sound cocky, but just ask my friends, they'll tell you the same. It takes a whole lot to make me catch feelings, and if someone tries to force it, I'm gonna end up bleeding at em. But let me tell you, when I do fall in love, it's like a freaking hurricane of emotions. I really love hard, loyal to the man i love, respect and would be his crazy love for real. Like hard and no other man gonna come close to breaking that bond, it wont easy for em. I won't even glance at another dude, I'm that committed. That's just how I roll, man.

Now, heres to go clear about me, i'm an EXOL and I'm all about D.O from EXO. But don't get it twisted, it wasnt crazy infatuation or anything. I just dig his voice and their songs, that's all. He's not my crush or anything like that. I'm just vibing with EXO's music and their performances. But let me be real with you, I ain't one of those fanatics who's gonna lose their mind over a K-pop idol and start planning a future together. I dont much crazy for kpop idiols, inonly into EXO. Yes i liaten to theirvsong but i wont be like admiring any of of em. Nah, not my style at all. If by some miracle I ever bump into D.O in Malaysia and he tries to pull a hug, I'll straight up say no. A friendly wave or a handshake would do just fine for me. I'm just not into all that touchy-feely stuff, you feel me?

Till one day, Everything change. After a very long time I fell in love trully for someone!

When I was doing my diploma, something unexpected happened, I totally fell for a man! It took me by surprise because I didn't even realize it at first. I was just goofing around and unknowingly annoying other people who had a crush on him.Talk about being clueless! But then, out of the blue, I held his hand. It was the first time I had ever hold and touched a man's hand, and let me tell you, it messed with my head big time. I couldn't sleep that night, overthinking and regretting what I had done. That time i reliazed that i was actually in love with him. JESUS!!

Naturally, my first reaction was to run away from it all. I wanted to ask my dad to transfer me to a different college or change my whole situation. I feel like ia m doing something wrong, i was making a mistake and needed to escape. But nope, my dad shut down that idea real quick. He wasn't having any of it.

As I spent more time with the man i fall in love, I started noticing something deeper beneath his cool exterior. It was like he had this hidden loneliness and struggles he is actually dealing with so, I just wanna clarify first making sure he was actually single before I let my feelings go wild. When I love someone I would see first if he's taken or still single, if taken then really I won't let my feeling grow for him la but if not then i would make him the best man in the world with me. Then i find out tat hes single. Jackpot! That's when I started showing him how much I cared and allowed myself to fall even harder for him. He had this pure heart that not everyone could see as I could. Honestly i can see he is more sensitive than me. Theres one time he open up sometimes, sharing stories that gave me a glimpse into his true self. I could tell he was a genuinely good person. With all this newfound knowledge, I made a choice. I was determined to change his life for the better. I knew it sounded crazy, but I had this hope deep inside that things would magically work out and he would be the happiest man ever. So, I went all-in, learning everything about him,his likes, dislikes, favorite foods, movies, what he does during his bored times, etc etc. Don't ask me how I know it. I don't want to talk about it. I have decided to make him happy with me and wants to turn his life more happiness as he really deserve it and also because he is my MAN! I loved him knowingly the consequences if both of us end up together. I know what would happen. I just had thoughts to fight and change em. Not change but can be done secretly for temporary at there.

After few months, There was this time where he suddenly turned into a super strict person out of nowhere. I mean, everyone started thinking he was just rude and arrogant after getting promoted. But let me tell you, I saw something different. I saw that behind that tough exterior, he was actually struggling and trying to avoid some kind of trouble. It was like he could explode and burst into tears any time if things get too crazy for him. Instead of giving up on him, I decided to stick around. I wanted to be there for him, to make a difference in his life. Looking back, I realize I was pretty dumb. I had no clue how to make him happy or how to get through to him. I see his anger grow more harder than the cares and loves i have for him. That time, his eyes shows temper and anger for me. I wasnt a good person for him and was in a bad picture in his view. He couldnt understand and see me. It still makes me teary-eyed even now whenever I think about it, I loved him so damn much, hoping against hope that things would change. But honestly, I was just being stupid infront of him.

I didn't give up, no matter how much his anger grew towards me. I kept trying, relentlessly because i had that one reason that i love him with all of my heart. A crush is not the same as love. A crush is just a passing infatuation. If that person doesn't accept you, yeah, it sucks for a few months, but you can move on relatively quickly. Love?, *sigh it is a whole different story. It takes thousands of days to heal from the wounds it can inflict. Love is when you doesnt give up on a person you love. He didn't take me seriously at first, not even when it came to my health issues. My motion sickness was getting worse and worse, but to him, it was just some trivial matter. Theres one time, When my dad found out that I had confided in someone about my health, he got furious since I was in hospital for my treatment after badly got affected from thechealthbi was suffering last time. But now i am completely okay, i wasnt weak as i was last time. Now i no longer suffering from motion sickness after overcome my fears, i was totally weak and almost wanted to drag myself into death, But to protect his own reputation and job, I lied to my father and said that I hadn't told anyone. I even deleted the message I had sent. It was like a painful test, maybe a test of my patience for him.

I tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. In the end, he found his happiness with someone else. I was terribly in broken, empty and bleeds that time. It was a crushing blow, and I felt like I had given up so much. I cried harder than ever before, and in my despair, I made the decision to leave that place. I kept pushing myself to run away, thinking that maybe I was just a stupid girl who doesnt deserve anything. I really broken so badly that days. You couldn't imagine how terribly wounds I had that days.

Everything he said or did, it just hurt me. I became easily offended, getting jealous of course, and I had to endure listening to things I didn't want to hear yet I've been patience with everything. Every time I came home, I would break down and cry, really hard. It was the first time I had ever loved someone with all of my soul. Honestly I never been love harder like this during my times with Effendi also, perhaps I was just a kid that time. 

 I need a break now writing about these things really makes me sad, will continue in a while...

So here I am once again, feeling like I don't deserve his love, so I just watched him from a distance. I remember one time when I was incredibly hungry, like a starving lion, and my parents hadn't cooked anything. I decided to make a big portion of fried rice for myself and started eating. But then, out of nowhere, I received news that he was going to get """". The hunger I felt instantly vanished, and I couldn't continue eating my fried rice. My heart started racing, and I pretended like nothing was wrong, making the excuse that I was already experiencing period pain. That night, after hearing that news, I felt completely empty and lost all hope. I'll never forget that night. Another night crying over again. From that moment, I tried to run away and distance myself again. I tried the best for him but I failed. I failed to be the best person for him, and even talking about it now brings back all those overwhelming emotions. The impact of that time still I can feel it with me even now.

In the end, all I can say is that he found his happiness with someone else, and he deserves every bit of it. I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to bring that happiness into his life, but I genuinely hope he keeps that smile on his face forever. Seeing him happy is bittersweet for me. After that, I made the decision to let him go. It wasn't easy, but I had to free myself from the pain and longing. I can't blame him, and I can't blame myself either. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to, and that's life. Maybe it's just my bad luck? A few days later, I happened to see him again, and he was radiating pure joy. It was like I had never seen him that happy before. Love is also letting go when you see and finding happiness in their happiness, even if it's not with you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's a part of life.

I also had the chance to meet his mom, I just bumped with her that day, I hold her hand, exchanged greetings, and deep inside, I couldn't help but I told this to his mom deeply in my heart,

"As I looked at his mother's face, I silently whispered in my heart that I would never disturb or be a part of her son's life again. This is my final goodbye, the moment I let go of my love and disappeared forever. The happiness I saw on his face will be etched in my memory forever. With a smile on my face, I left the scene, knowing that it was time to move on. I am sorry for couldn't be the best for your son. Your son really a good man"!!

There were so many things I wanted to say, but I realized it was too risky to continue. This was my love story, filled with ups and downs, and now it was time to close this chapter and I've already start my own life living in my dream.

Do you know whats the most traumatic for me? When benjamin revealed his true colors after he finds out that I couldn't continue my diploma in pharmacy. He leave me and doesnt even look back at me. He isulted and tell ne soething that i never expected that from him. Eventho i wasnt even in love with him at the first but his words reasly gone me crazy as hell. It shattered my heart into a million pieces. It turned out that Benjamin's love for me was based on his assumption that I would become a wealthy girlfriend once I completed my pharmacy studies. He saw me as a ticket to an easier life, thinking that having a partner in the medical field would bring financial stability.  The realization of his intentions left me feeling completely broken. yet I was so strong enough to go through all this things.

December 2019 was a time of immense struggle for me as I tried to move on from the pain. On my birthday, instead of celebrating and feeling joy, I locked away myself in my room, surrounded by tears and darkness. I felt so overwhelmed by the weight of my emotions that I didn't leave my room the entire day. I sat there, enveloped in sadness and lost in my thoughts. The next day i burned my clothes outside my house, my clothes that i used to wear last time and started to have a hope to change new life. 

I'm very sure he's already forgotten about me now and living in the best and happiest life now. He really deserve that happy life! I don't know where hes now, how he's doing now, but deep down, all I want is for him to be genuinely happy, wearing that infectious smile of his face, hoping he's finding joy in every moment he had right now! Honestly hes much loking better with his smile face rather than being sad. I don't like someone talk bad about him, eventually I will get angry. I am happy that I loved a good man!

I always mentioned his name, the man i loved on my prayer, always. To always bless him with his new life. Last year August I guess was the last time I mentioned his name after that I begin to live my own life without having him in my thoughts. It was a turning point for me, a moment of letting go. Then, I received news that he had tested positive for COVID-19 through one of my juniors while we are just casually talking about lifes there. I couldn't help myself but cry uncontrollably, and in that moment, I stupidly prayed for his recovery. I even reached out to my friends, asking them to pray for the man I once loved, who was now battling the virus. Looking back, I realize how foolish I was to still care so deeply. Ever since I left him, I made a vow to myself to give up on love. It has been almost four years now, even I got proposed by different men here, but I have rejected them all. Even my own family and friends have scolded me for turning down people who genuinely care about me, but their words don't affect me. I don't care. My friends and my family knows about this. 

My parents even find for me someone to be my partner, I really reject him without feeling guilty in my face. I directly told him that I don't like him. During my studies in YPC, again i was proposed by a man who was my classmate, he really loves me very much. I don't know how but I rejected him. 

I really rejected many man who loves me along these 4 years. I should feel blessed and accept new life but what I can do, my heart couldn't accept it.

My dialog everytime a man proposed to me till now, this is what I usually say. 

"Thank you for loving me! love? I know the value of love very well but I am in a situation that I can't even respect it. I am sorry. Its not you are not deserve for me, its just I am the one problem. You deserve better girl than me.. "

Every time I talk about these things, tears inevitably well up in my eyes. My heart refuses to accept what my mind already knows. This is the reality of my situation. Currently, there is another guy who has a crush on me, and he's genuinely a nice person. However, I won't entertain the idea of being with him because he is younger than me.

A few months ago, I faced some disturbances from seniors in my university. Thankfully, with the help of my lecturers and advices from my brother from another mother, sir sara I was able to resolve the issue. Despite everything, I remain single and closed off to the idea of letting another man into my life. I often wish I could be more like my sister. She broke up with her boyfriend in 2019 and found a new partner in 2020, who is now my brother-in-law. I'm sorry, but I'm just not like other women out there. When I love, I love deeply and wholeheartedly, but once my heart is broken, it takes an incredibly long time for me to heal.

Overall, I able to move on now and I feel more happier. It's just I have to open my heart. I think I will wait until things comes itself for me. I don't want to fall in love anymore. Seriously tired.. 

*sigh

From that day till now, I never been in relationship with anyone else. I couldn't open my heart and I couldn't find a man who can replace him. My heart is like a fortress, and I haven't found a knight in shining armor to storm the gates just yet. What I can say now is that, i never been kissed a man in my life accept my dad. I never been hugged and kissed a man in my life! NEVER! I always careful with this till I find one truly man who deserve me. I want to give my first kiss and hug to a man who will be with me forever till to my last breathe, not for temporary relationship. Hope for another love life which will works for me forever, I couldn't handle any breakups and heartbreaks after this, may God heal me and open my heart for someone who will loves me more. Amen!

Never hurt someone who truly loves you, you have no idea how little of your intentions to hurt them can give a big effect into their life. I don't force love in my life and I know my worth. I just hope that I will be fine later. 

:) Thank you for reading, i know its long but this words are all comes from my heart at this moment. Writing this, I dropped my tears while thinking about it! I will be fine later don't worry. Goodnight! 😥