How Harassment Creeps Into My Life

Things have been bothering me ever since this happened to me for the third time.

Hey guys,

You might be wondering why i’ve suddenly decided to write about this topic. Honestly, I just need to express what i’m feeling right now. Everything happening in my life feels so confusing, and the thought of harassment something that has now happened to me for the three times is still weighing heavily on my mind. The most shocking part is how it lingers. I used to read about incidents like these in the news or see them trending on Twitter. Back then, I would forget about it after a while, brushing it off as just another story. But when it happened to me, I couldn’t accept it. It shook me to the core and I found myself losing control. You’d probably see me throwing hands or starting a fight just to feel like i’d reclaimed some satisfaction or justice. I’ve even caught myself wishing I could create a scene but something always holds me back. I love myself so much that I put a lot of effort into taking care of myself. I invest in expensive body care products like charcoal scrubs, shower gels, shampoos, skincare etc etc that make me feel good about myself. I embrace my self-care routine every day. I’m cautious with my body and health like going to the gym to shape my body and avoid obesity. I even go to the hospital for monthly checkups just to ensure I’m in great health. This is the life I’ve built for myself the one that makes me happy. But when things spiral out of control like these incidents of harassment, it makes me question everything. There are moments when I feel like giving up on all of it, my routines, my practices, everything. All I want is to protect myself from the harm this world keeps throwing my way.

Is it our fault for wearing a beautiful dress? Is it our fault for making our skin look perfectly healthy and smelling good? Is it our fault to look beautiful for work? Is it our fault to simply be women? What did we do wrong to not feel safe when we go out? I’ve been unable to find peace after reading about the heartbreaking news that happened in Kolkata, India, a few months ago. The story of Dr. Maumita and so many other rape cases happened in India really shattered me. But it’s not just India, it’s happening everywhere around the world. Did they ever get justice? The cases seem to have gone silent with the perpetrators still out there, walking free and enjoying their lives as if nothing happened. The most painful part of it all was when I read about a news that one of a girl protesting for Dr. Maumita in a crowd was kidnapped and raped on the day when she was protesting. It deeply disturbed me. I couldn’t shake the thought of how messed up this world is. People are now afraid to travel to India even men especially influencers in Malaysia. Recently i saw Imran bard wrote on his instagram story that he is scared to travel alone to India but he wished to travel there. How saddening.

Okay forget about other countries for a second, what about Malaysia? Does the law here protect us? Does God protect us from being raped or harrased? It’s such a saddening reality to face women are still not safe anywhere. Why is it that society blames women and girls when they get raped or harassed? Why do we need to be educated on how to dress, how to speak, how to behave? Why is it always our responsibility to avoid harm? When will our children, our sisters, our mothers be safe from things like this? What is happening to the world? I truly hope that our Prime Minister, Anwar Ibrahim, will bring attention to harassment issues in Malaysia. I pray that he will work to make real changes so that harassment, assault, and rape cases will never happened again in the future. This is my hope for the next year.

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In my life, I’m thankful that I’ve never been physically harassed, but I have experienced mental harassment three times and I’d like to share my thoughts on it. The first time wasn’t the worst, but it left a mark on me. It happened in the library. I was reaching up to take a book from the shelf,] and a stranger tried to tap my butt. Thankfully, a Malay guy in the library saw it and smacked the guy on the head before he could touch me. I was so grateful that this Malay guy acted quickly and I decided to leave the library immediately because I didn’t feel safe anymore. I remember thanking that Malay guy as I left.

The second time occurred when I was studying for my degree at university. I was harassed by a senior through WhatsApp. He was like a mixed Chinese and Sabahan descent. I knew him from working together on group assignments, and he had been such a positive influence on me during our time working together when our class was combined. I respected him a lot especially since our assignment turned out to be super impressive to the lecturer and he even made my life easier. At first, everything seemed fine till the day when his semester ended and he began his industrial training, that’s when he revealed his true colors.

Suddenly, he texted me out of clue,

"Julieen, ONS or FWB?" he asked.

At first, I didn’t know what those terms meant so i immediately turned to ChatGPT for clarification and it said that ONS stands for Oral Nutritional Supplements, and FWB is Feeling Well-Being. I assumed he might be dealing with some anxiety or depression possibly related to his work so i tried to give him advices and solution but the conversation started to feel so weird and strange. I was kept thinking positively throughout the whole conversation, but things started to creep me out and i was totally sure when he said...

" I am horny and I just wanna sleep with you."

The moment I read that, I immediately blocked him on WhatsApp and Instagram. He did had followed me on Instagram when we were in the same class. Not gonna lie, I cried in my room on that day. It was then that I understood ONS meant One-Night Stand and FWB meant Friends with Benefits. That’s what he meant to me. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I don't know what did he think of me? What did he feel when we were in the class before? I had no answers. That night, after being harassed, I questioned myself and asking, Do I look like a prostitute to him? Why would he just invite me like that, without even asking, Do you want to do this? or Would you mind if we...? I was so stressed and confused. That night, I was craving support and wished someone could hold me close and make me feel safe, but I was all alone. I couldn’t even tell to my parents so I turned to my Twitter and also told to my close college friends. They were all shocked and advised me to report it to my coordinator. But I hesitated because I don't want my parents to find out. 

The reason was simple but painful. First, my parents would blame me for wearing tight attire (well I don’t like to wear sexy or revealing clothes showing the skin on my neck, knees, or avoid short sleeves, normally, I cover all these) but i do wear tight attire. Second, my parents would ask me to close down means delete all of my social media, including my Instagram and Twitter except WhatsApp. This would not only affect me but also all my siblings, and I didn’t want that to happen. Lastly, I might just get rotan or something from my parents for being the cause. My parents will never understand this, I am sure even my siblings were sure when I told my elder sister. 

The next day, I texted my club advisor since we were close like sisters and I decided to talk to her about this. We hung out and when we were at the restaurant, I told her everything and showed her all the texts. My god, she was mad as hell as this happened to me. Honestly, She loves me a lot ngl. She really cares and loves me a lot. She is a Malay women from Kelantan and single. Her face completely changed that day. I think that was the first time I saw her angry face. She stayed by my side the whole day making sure I was alright. She made me feel safe. After giving me advice, we decided to talk to my coordinator about this. A few days later, I met my coordinator with my club advisor but unfortunately things couldn’t be solved, and no action could be taken after the discussion. What my coordinator told us was facts and made sense cause there were no other reports from other students saying the same thing happened to them also and the guy who harassed me was already on his internship. After his intern, he is no longer a student. My coordinator believe, i was the only his target and maybe he just like me or had feelings for me. This is what my coordinator said to us so the only choice we had was to forget it and not make it a big issue. My club advisor and I were disappointed, but we understood the reasoning. What my coordinator said overall was true. 

From that moment, I completely lost my respect for that senior who harassed me. If he ever dares to show his face again, I think I might give him one hard punch right on the face. 

After that, I tried to forget about it and just carry on with my life. During my healing process, one day, I hung out with my club advisor again, and she told me something that left me speechless. She said the reason he dared to disturb and text me that way was because I was single and didn’t have a boyfriend. Hearing that, I was at a loss for words. I decided to let it go and just move on with my life.

The third time happened just yesterday at my workplace and this time, it was a woman. She looked like between around 35 to 40 years old. That morning, I went to the admin office to print some documents, and this lady was sitting there and staring at my butt. At first, I thought she was just looking I mean, I also stare a lot sometimes so I took it as normal and went back to my office. But something felt off, and I decided to ask my colleagues about it. I told them what happened and a few of the staff said she’s known for being touchy and always acts weird around women. I was mad but thought, Okay, it’s not a big deal to create a scene, so I continued with my work. After work, about 10 minutes before going home, I went to the front desk to talk with my colleagues since I’m close with them. She was there too. During our conversation, I noticed her looking at my butt again while I was sitting on the office chair, leaning slightly to the side. I immediately snapped (Jentik Jari) my fingers close to her face, and she laughed at me but i didn't smiled at her back and was mad. I thought she was just being absent-minded but nah. I was boiling with anger. I casually continued talking with my colleagues but two minutes later, I turned to her side quickly and there she was still staring at my butt. That’s when I lost my patience. I immediately get up from my chair and slapped right on her face. Before she could even turn to look at me, I walked straight to my office. One of my colleagues came to me afterward and said, Well done. They assured me not to worry even if she reported it to HR, they would support me. I didn’t even smile and just left the office. I cannot brain how the recruitment team could hire people like this without checking and no, I don’t regret giving her one on the face.

On my way home, I thought about the news of Dr. Maumita. The story still haunts me. You know what the shocking part of her case is there was a woman with her during the rape. I imagined how she might have begged, “You’re also a girl; why don’t you save me?” When I got home, I was silent and didn’t tell anyone. I wished I could hug someone so tight for a while but I was left alone and focused on the things I had to do last night. 

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Overall, I feel so disturbed that these things are happened in my life. When is this ever going to stop? I don’t know what else might happen in the future. Scared when think about it. I remember what my club advisor told me: "You’re single and don’t have a boyfriend, Julieen. That’s why this happened to you"

Before anything like this could happens again in my life, All i hope is that i could find a man who will support me. A man who will understand me when no one understand how i feel. A man who i can lean on and safely tell everything. A man, he doesn't have to report or fight for someone harrasing me but to make me feel zero worry the night when i return home to him and hugged him right after enter the house so that i can bravely continue my day without thinking about it again. A man who can advice me to make me better. A man who will make me sleep peacefully laying on his arm.

A man who will make me feel safe so that this will never happened in my life again. Will i ever find and blessed man like this? I don"t know but i hope.

I hope for this change in the future. 

Dear Heavenly Father, protect me from all these people who carry the face of humanity but the heart of an animal. Shield me from their intentions and grant me the strength to face each day with courage. Let Your presence be my refuge, and guide me toward a life of peace and safety under Your divine protection Amen!